Blah

Blah. Nuff said.

Feeling good...

Doing good this week. I always feel good when I'm productive. Let's go over the list:

• Consulting projects are going well - on target


• Joined NAWMBAs


• Registered for Health & Welfare Plans benefits exam


• Consulted with financial planner - home ownership here I come!

Yay me...

Pity Party

Everyone throws pity parties for themselves but lately it's been more often than not that I've had them. I just get so sad at the prospect of not having a family, which is what I want more than anything right now. I'm not nearly old enough to be having these kind of thoughts but I honestly get sad when I see children and mothers with their babies. I long for that life. It's quite pathetic actually.
And then I have this stupid idea in my head that I might not be able to have children, which I really wish I could let go because I don't want to bring that kind of negativity on myself. Today I couldn't even cry. Can you believe that? My tear ducts actually told me 'no'. It's all for the best anyway. :(

Kim, the cyclist?

So, I've been going on and on about wanting a bike for the past few weeks. I've been doing my "research" and hasrrassing all my friends for their info on bikes. I finally got one (thank you Craigslist) yesterday and I've been all about it. I'm currently waiting on my rack to arrive. I know, I know - so gay.

I went for my first ride yesterday afternoon and my body is sooooore. My legs are super sore, and I kinda think I was sexually assaulted by my seat. Not a pretty feeling ladies. Randomly my arms are pretty sore too, I'm assuming because of the way I was leaning? I don't know. I thought I was pretty good shape but I guess not, huh? Anyway, I will be before it's all over. Yay! Isn't it pretty?

I guess you really can't hurry love

Having gotten out of an extremely long term relationship last year, and being completely devastated as I watched something I thought would be forever come to an end, I was done with love. I thought I would sink into the abyss of having indiscriminate sex and channel the 60's and and 70's to present day and that would be the end of it.
Well it turns out that I'm not cut out for that kind of thing and I wasn't able to do it, not even once. :( I'm such a lame. I just kinda lived, learned myself and actually enjoyed the person I had become.
Now I'm at the point where I'm ready for love again, but real love. A real dating relationship where I actually get to learn the person that I'm with and he learns me as well, and we build a friendship. It sounds so cheesy as I read this aloud but I haven't had that in so long and deep down that's all I've ever really wanted. I'm constantly praying to God that I'm able to find this love and am so thankful that he's gotten me through those weak moments (a la last night) that could have ended to badly.
It's crazy that the older I get the more those oldies that I love so much hit home to me. Here's hoping...

The evolution of Gilbert

So I was having my mid-morning snack at work one day (I graze about every 3 or so hours), and I came across this weirdly shaped grape. At first I was completely creeped out by it (which isn't hard to do to me) but then I became intrigued. Oddly enough, my coworkers were equally as intrigued so we decided to keep him.

I happened to have an empty candy jar at my desk so I named him Gilbert (don't ask how he automatically became a 'he') and stored him in the candy jar. As time progressed and he was still holding on, he became sort of a science project. About 3 weeks in, I was just getting ready to say goodbye to Gil - yes, he had developed a nickname, when someone outside of our department looked in his cage and said, "what are you doing with that raisin?"

OMG! He was raisining!!! At that point, I decided to see just how far Gil would make it and that I would keep him a little longer.

Well, yesterday it seemed that Gil was on his last leg and I realized I needed to say goodbye (sniff, sniff). All in all I can say that Gil had a good life and his burial was tasteful and definitely did him justice. Goodbye Gil. Hopefully you know the joy that you brought to our lives. You will be missed.

And we're off!

I think this is going to be a good week. I’m in a great mood and my motivation from last night has spilled over into today. I went to the gym this morning, had a great workout and now my nose is to the grindstone. Here’s hoping…

Operation Motivation

Today was a good day. :) I had a great run!...my body is super sore and I love it! I even set my alarm for 5AM for yes, another workout. And to top that off, I'm going for a walk with my cousin after work tomorrow.

This weekend was just the push I needed to help me through whatever this "thing" is I'm going through. I finally got motivated and bid on more projects on E-Lance yesterday. One of my proposals was accepted today! I'm working on a Human Resources E-book. I'm really excited because contrary to what I portray on this poorly written blog, writing is a strong point of mine and I really enjoy it. Things are looking up!!

In flux

So, last night my "best friend"... (I feel so silly saying that at my age but she and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that there's no better way to say it b/c frankly the term 'girlfriend' when used in that way is just gay). Anyway, my bestie and I had an old school spend-the-night party at her house. We piled up and watched movies, drank wine, and talked about boys and life. All in all it was pretty cute, but it made me realize how in transition my life really is right now.

Even though she is my best friend and I can tell her anything, I felt a little out of place. Not because of anything she said or did but I just realized that I don't really have a place in the world right now...if that makes sense. (As if anything I say ever does). Well, let me clarify - things have just changed so much now and I think I'm finally nearing the end of my transition from childhood to true adulthood; however, I'm not entirely sure where I fit in that world right now.

I used to always feel like I had a place. I was someone's girlfriend for the longest, and my life always seemed to revolve around supposedly building our life and planning our future. Obviously that was a bust, lol, but even then I felt like I had purpose. Now, I can't really wrap my brain around my own existence in the world. It just seems like everyone else is moving on and I'm standing here...not necessarily in quick sand, but more like I'm floating along on a lilly pad when everyone else has a speed boat. At the very least, can a sister get a canoe?!

I'm starting to become focused/motivated with my business ventures again, which is great but there's still a part of me that's missing and I so badly want to be whole. That's so cliche but so true.

All cried out

Lately I've been reflecting on my life (over and OVER again), where I am and where I want to be and it's become the biggest crying fest I've ever witnessed. I cry all the time - I don't even know why. Am I crazy? It's like I sit and think about all the things that I want without knowing how to get there and it makes me cry. Then conversely I think about all the things I have that I could be without...the non-monetary things like an amazing family, wonderful friends, good health, intelligence...just abundant blessings from God and that makes me cry too. I don't know what to do anymore, lol. I'm all cried out.

I feel like I'm waiting for the ball to drop. Does that ever happen to anyone? I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next thing in my life, the next stage - be it good or bad. Sadly things have been so status quo for me that I think something bad could be looming. It saddens me that I always expect that, but I do have a bit of a complex as every time I let my guard down, I'm blind sighted by something that takes me three steps back...or seemingly so anyway.

I do think I'm ready for a change, in fact I know I am. I want the next phase of my life to begin. I thought I was ready for it before but now I know I am. I would like to start a family, if that's in the cards for me, and I pray that it is. People were put on this earth to do many things and I really believe that one of my callings was to be a great wife and mother. As 1950s as it may sound, that's the biggest dream I have. Family is everything to me and as I grow older, and the people closest to me are slowly dying out - it makes me feel like I need to do something right away to hold on to what I hold dearest. It's probably silly. Like I'm trying to capture a moment in time and hold on to it forever, when everyone knows that's impossible.

My biggest fear, that I would probably only admit to one other person, is that I'm going to one day be alone. My parents are getting older (as is everyone), I'm an only child, and I'm alone - for all intents and purposes. I am afraid that before it's all said and done, everyone's life will have progressed, families will have started, and I'll be all alone. What scares me the most is that time is passing so freakin' fast, I mean so fast. Birthdays are flying by, everything. And I just don't want to let my life pass me by, but how do I stop it??? What do I do? I've prayed, I continue to pray. This blog is a form of prayer. I just hope that my prayers are answered.

Inside the looking glass

Our sermon on Sunday morning was a great lesson on repentance and being thankful for what God has given to all of us. The pastor went on to say that we shouldn't focus so heavily on what others have or what we think others have, as we have no idea how they came to have those things, or what they have sacrificed to create that appearance.

As I've grown older, I've come to realize just how true that really is. I've sometimes looked at some people and thought they had it all and tried to figure out why I don't. Not that I haven't been a blessed person...because I am...a very blessed person but sometimes envy (ugly as it may be) gets the best of us and we can't see the forest because of the trees.

My little goddaughter's Christening was this past weekend - Saturday. Little Morgan was ADORABLE and the parents and grandparents were beaming. It made me long for that life, and wonder what I've been doing wrong not to have it by now. I reflected on the way I used to live, the choices I made, and chocked it up to me having made poor decisions and therefore not being where I should be at this point. Woe is Kim, right? lol.

Then Sunday, I was fortunate enough to go to church and hear this lovely sermon. It really put things into perspective to me. Although, I'm sure they have a wonderful life and are living up to their dreams and aspirations, I'm only one person on the outside looking in. Who's to say what they went through to get there, and what's happening now that they're there?

It was a great ah-ha moment for me and helped me stay patient and wait on God. I'm content again...for now.

Reality Check

Ok, so the Real Housewives of pretty much anything is one my guilty pleasures. I know, I know - kinda like Flavor of Love...I'm embarrassed to admit that I watch it but I can't seem to let it go. So anyway, the new season of RHO New Jersey started this week. Talk about a train wreck! Ugh, but in the midst of it all they still manage to maintain these lavish homes and lifestyles and I can't for the life of me figure out how they do it! Now granted I realize that someone on each on of the various seasons inevitably ends up bankrupt or in foreclosure or something similar but they have to have risen to the top somehow to fall so hard, right?

It left me thinking (yes, again) about me and what I need to do. I'm an intelligent person...I'm driven...ambitious. Even though this is all true, I sometimes feel like I sit around just waiting for things to happen and I've got to get myself out of that mindset. So I'm devised a plan...Pinky and the Brain style...to get me to where I think would make me happy.

First mission is to get myself to a place where I'm financially happy. Most people would look at my age and salary and say that I was doing pretty well for myself but I could be managing my money a little better. I'm so proud to say that I've put myself on a savings plan that is working well for me. I really enjoy being able to say that I actually have a savings b/c I uh...ah hem...didn't before. (Sad, I know).

So in addition to the savings, I need to pay down a little of my debt. There isn't much and I'm sure I can pay it down if I'm disciplined enough so I'm going to try a few things until I get it where I need to be. My latest endeavor is the AMEX green card (charge card). My plan is to use the card for most things, earn points and pay it off each month, which paying down the other debt. I think it's motivation because unlike a revolving card, I know I have to pay it down each month. Let's pray it works. Tithing is also a work in progress for me...definitely getting there.

There was a time when I was doing really well with E-Lance bids and projects. The plan is to get back into that, which would help in paying down my debt while also helping me to get toward my goal of owning my own business/consulting firm.

Wow seeing this all written out actually sounds like a real, feasible plan. Am I finally making some headway? We shall see...

Motivation

Trying hard to find my motivation. You'd think me being so uneasy with my life as it is would be motivation enough but apparently it ain't bc I'm still sitting on my duff. What's it gonna take!?

Sleepless in Atlanta

Ok, so this blog is quite possibly the best thing that's happened to me in the last two days...which admittedly isn't saying much but still. It's been surprisingly therapeutic. How great it is that I can have a forum to post my unbelievably random thoughts throughout the day. In fact, I actually thought about naming the blog random but then forgot where I was going with that and decided to call it Being twenty-something. Irregardless (I freakin' HATE people that say 'irregardless' by the way), I'm all about blogging now...welcome to 2004, Kim.

I've been thinking about where I want to be in the next 3 years or so. Should I even make a plan? Everytime I do that, God seems to spit my face and shift things in an entirely different direction. Was that blasphemous? I didn't mean that way - my point is that God already has our plan so what's the point in even bothering. Granted, I do think goals are important but very strict "planning" probably isn't the best way to go about those goals. For example, I had a strict timeline of things that I wanted to follow...some of which I accomplished, some of which I didn't. Looking back, what was the point that timeline? Am I any better off for the things that I did accomplish? And am I any worse off for the things that I didn't? One thing that getting older is teaching me is that the majority of the unhappiness and dissatisfaction that we face/feel is completely self-imposed. I was feeling bad about myself for not reaching goals that I set for myself! Goals, if they can even be called goals, that in the grand scheme of things don't matter at all. Oh well, live and learn.

My struggle now is figuring out where I fit in my life. I know that sounds like a stupid statement but I don't think I'm a good fit for my life right now. I know the life that I want and I know the life that I have and some where along the lines the two became estranged...where do I go from here?

Why am I so weight challenged?

Here's the thing - am I weight challenged or am I always challenging my weight? No one seems to think I need to lose weight but me. I hate that I'm so focused on it. I'm doing better though. Oh well. That being said, I think these are great tips. http://health.yahoo.net/articles/weight-loss/6-ways-win-weight-battle

WTF Wal-Mart??

See this sign? It would be quite the novel idea if there was in fact a screen to touch!

What's the deal with October and November?

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that 'oct' means 8 yet Oct-ober is the 10th month and 'nov' means 9 and Nov-ember is the 11th month? I'm just sayin'...it's always annoyed me.

Void

Ok, so I started writing this blog in the first place because I was going through something that I couldn't comprehend and didn't know how to get myself over the hump. A really good friend of mine (thanks Jug) told me that I needed to started talking things out, so I figured this was the best place to do it since I am the QUEEN of internalization. It's almost 1AM on a Saturday night and I'm sitting at home (as I've seemed to do for so many weekends now) drinking wine and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with my life. I mean seemingly I have a lot going for myself - great job, amazing network of friends and family, wonderful personality (if I do say so myself), and yes, I'm a cute girl (woman? idk) ...yet something is missing. Yeah, the obvious thing is that I don't have a "significant other" in my life. And while that is something that I'd love to have some time in the near future, the emptiness that I feel doesn't stem from that.

I feel like a broken record but I've got to figure out what the next stage in my life is. I'm patiently waiting and praying to God EVERYDAY to give me some kind of clarity or epiphany but either I'm not listening or He's not ready to tell me because I'm just not getting it. Has anyone ever felt like that? I'm not that overly deep, intellectual type so I know I'm not the first person to go through this. They say... and by they I mean Oprah...that life gets better with each passing decade so that being said, I can't wait for 30 because this 20 something-ish is for the birds.

Now more than ever

I first saw this writing when I was about 21 years old and could kinda relate, but didn't think most of it would ever apply to me. Now that I'm 29...almost twenty-nothing (gulp), I'm finding more and more that this is true and I have no idea what to do about it. Anyway, it's still one of my favorite writings and fits how I've been feeling now more than ever:

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups
start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.