All cried out

Lately I've been reflecting on my life (over and OVER again), where I am and where I want to be and it's become the biggest crying fest I've ever witnessed. I cry all the time - I don't even know why. Am I crazy? It's like I sit and think about all the things that I want without knowing how to get there and it makes me cry. Then conversely I think about all the things I have that I could be without...the non-monetary things like an amazing family, wonderful friends, good health, intelligence...just abundant blessings from God and that makes me cry too. I don't know what to do anymore, lol. I'm all cried out.

I feel like I'm waiting for the ball to drop. Does that ever happen to anyone? I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next thing in my life, the next stage - be it good or bad. Sadly things have been so status quo for me that I think something bad could be looming. It saddens me that I always expect that, but I do have a bit of a complex as every time I let my guard down, I'm blind sighted by something that takes me three steps back...or seemingly so anyway.

I do think I'm ready for a change, in fact I know I am. I want the next phase of my life to begin. I thought I was ready for it before but now I know I am. I would like to start a family, if that's in the cards for me, and I pray that it is. People were put on this earth to do many things and I really believe that one of my callings was to be a great wife and mother. As 1950s as it may sound, that's the biggest dream I have. Family is everything to me and as I grow older, and the people closest to me are slowly dying out - it makes me feel like I need to do something right away to hold on to what I hold dearest. It's probably silly. Like I'm trying to capture a moment in time and hold on to it forever, when everyone knows that's impossible.

My biggest fear, that I would probably only admit to one other person, is that I'm going to one day be alone. My parents are getting older (as is everyone), I'm an only child, and I'm alone - for all intents and purposes. I am afraid that before it's all said and done, everyone's life will have progressed, families will have started, and I'll be all alone. What scares me the most is that time is passing so freakin' fast, I mean so fast. Birthdays are flying by, everything. And I just don't want to let my life pass me by, but how do I stop it??? What do I do? I've prayed, I continue to pray. This blog is a form of prayer. I just hope that my prayers are answered.